Neds
by Raziel reaver of souls
Summary: At the moment this fic is moving away from the actual Neds a bit. This is so I can introduce Nazz/Skazz and Kevin. These two will eventually get their own fic and the Neds will be free once more.
1. Of Mice and Neds

Ned, Nedd 'n Neddy  
  
"Fuckinell Ned, where the fuck are ya?" Neddy shouted.  
  
"Shut yer mooth, ah'm o'er here " Ned replied.  
  
"Aye, ah needja for this next muggin' by the way, like we're gonna totally Mug Johnny 2 x 4. Whats the word Nedd?" Neddy asked.  
  
"Aye, here he comes like. Neddy can I advise ya no tae dae this bye the way?"  
  
"Why the fuck not? Ya scared? PANSY!" Ned taunted.  
  
"Nuh, but you know if ah get caught again ahm a dead man."  
  
As Johnny wandered down the alley the Neds could hear his normal monologue. Of course they wouldn't call it that because that's a polysyllabic word.  
  
"Whats tha' Plank, ya see things, right?"  
  
"."  
  
"Fuckin goth"  
  
"Alright, Johnny gi' us yer money" Neddy shouted as he jumped into Johnnies path holding a flick knife, or so he thought.  
  
"Aye right then by the way! Tha's no a flick knife, tha's a comb!" Johnny replied, calmly.  
  
"NED!!!! Are you some kinda fuckin' dumbass by the way?" Neddy shouted at the tall Ned.  
  
"Aye, and a packet o' crisps too," Ned replied.  
  
"Aye right then, you ain't got a fuckin' chance by the way."  
  
And so Neddy leapt at Ned and started trying to attack him. While they fight shall I fill you in on whats going on?  
  
Here's a bit of background information for those who haven't caught on yet, this is an Ed, Edd and Eddy spoof which replaces three American boys living in Peach Creek USA with three Scottish boys living in Niddrie. All three are pretty much the same but replace Jawbreakers with Lammy Bammy cigs and you've got the general idea. Alright? By the way, Neds is a slang term for people who live in either Niddrie or Glasgow.  
  
"Ah never knew a comb could give someone such a huge fuckin' scar like," Nedd said.  
  
"Aye, that's right,like maybe next time ah should just attack Kevin wi' mah comb"  
  
A strange snorting noise illustrated the Neds laughing, followed by a coughing, which illustrated why they had been desperate to get the money. With their allowances cut off and them being followed by an assistant every time they went into any shops nearby they were kinda screwed for cigarettes.  
  
"Looks like we're gonna have tae venture into town tae get some cigs."  
  
"But we ain't got nae money"  
  
"No a problem, I got these fake bus passes," said Neddy as Nedd looked at him strangely "dinnae ask, they had no fake IDs left."  
  
Join us next time as the Neds try to go into town and steal some Cigarettes. 


	2. Town Ned and country Ned

Ned Nedd 'n Neddy chapter two  
  
"A'right Ned?" Neddy asked as they wandered out the door of the hospital and started towards the nearest bus stop.  
  
"Aye, ah'm fine like, the scars cool by the way," Ned replied.  
  
"A'right, either we're gonna go tae Princes Street and look fer some posho and mug him or we're gonna go tae, like the Princes Mall and steal some cigs," Neddy explained.  
  
"Um, Neddy, why don't we like try buskin' or summat, at least that's like, legal ya know?" Nedd asked.  
  
"But I cannae play any instruments and Ned, well lets nae talk aboot that," both Neddy and Nedd shuddered remembering Neds attempt at playing the Didgeridoo with his nose, resulting in the Neds first trip to the hospital that month.  
  
"But Neddy, ya know I can play the guitar and I know you like to play on the drums."  
  
"Nedd, the drums dinnae count 'cos we cannae take them doon tae Princes Street and when we tried busking here last week, ya know with the Didgeridoo incident and a', it didnae exactly, like go tae plan what wi' Kevin stealin' oor instruments and a'." Neddy replied.  
  
"I love Rage against the machine, don't you guys?"  
  
"Um, Ned?"  
  
"Fuckin' Goth"  
  
As they got to the bus stop all three Neds looked at the seats and decided to run the gauntlet. For those of you who don't live in Edinburgh the bus stops are thus, one wall running along the back of the stop, made of glass and two mini walls at the side, just big enough to stop the seats getting wet, but just small enough to let the wind freeze you to death if you try to sit on them. The seats are some kind of architectural triumph. They have been placed about half way up the wall so if you want to try and sit on them you have to do a stupid little jump to reach them. As soon as your butt touches the seats, you IMMEDIATELY slip off. You then try again, and again until the bus comes. This is probably a scheme by the bus company to occupy your mind while you wait for the bus. It works.  
  
"A' right, here goes" Neddy attempted the jump first, ending in him lying face down on the ground, Ned was next to try, he jumped and landed against the glass which promptly bounced him off, meaning he landed on Neddys back. Nedd got a small device out of his backpack and laid it down on the ground. It quickly blew up into three seats with padded arms and soft drinks to which Neddy said: "Fuckin' Geek that ya are Nedd"  
  
"I'll ignore that remark for yer own good Neddy," Nedd said.  
  
Soon, the bus arrived, Neddy gave both Nedd and Ned their fake bus passes and got on. Neddy passed the inspection. Nedd passed the inspection. Ned didn't  
  
"So, how long have you been a Swede, Ned?" The bus driver enquired of Ned.  
  
"Since I was planted, mister apple," Ned replied.  
  
"Oooookay, I'll let you on just this once, but next time, no fake bus passes okay Ned?"  
  
"Okey dokey smokey jimmy."  
  
"Ned you pooftar, ya almost blew our cover wi' yer pass. Why did you stick a picture of that exchange studan.studden.Nedd?"  
  
"Student, by the way" Nedd said absentmindedly.  
  
"Student on yer pass. Wouldn't one of YOU be a wee bit, like more sensible"  
  
"Yup, at least so says mister Addams mah teacher."  
  
"."  
  
"God, I cannae wait fer a new batch o cigs to shut 'im up" 


	3. The Neds of Wrath

Ned, Nedd 'n Neddy  
  
"A'right, next stop guys," Nedd said.  
  
"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!"  
  
"Aye Ned? Lemme guess, you want to.buy a treehouse 'cos a gorilla ate the last one?" said Neddy, trying to get into Neds mind.  
  
".No Neddy, can ah ring the bell? Pretty please with two cigs and a piece o' gum"  
  
"Tha's a new one, last week it was two pears and a melon. It's always two o' one thing and one o' anither. Dunno why," Nedd said.  
  
"Hey Nedd, Ah can hear summat, can't ye? Wait.itsa.no, wait it's the sound o' NOONE CARING!!!" Neddy shouted back at Nedd.  
  
Nedd gave him the finger then screamed "Guys, we missed oor stop!!!"  
  
"Oh shit, the bus dinnae stop next 'til, like halfway doon Leith Walk," Neddy moaned.  
  
"Guys, I got an idea," Ned said, dragging a chair off the floor and holding it above his head.  
  
"Ah, the auld lightbulb trick eh Ned? He must be running oot o' random stuff tae dae," Neddy said. Nedd just sighed. Then he looked up as Ned opened the emergency hatch at the back of the bus and jumped out.  
  
"Ned, get back. Oh forget it, lets jus' follow him," said Neddy as he jumped out the hatch, followed by Nedd. Ned landed on a car, denting the roof. Luckily he landed on his head. Neddy was next, he landed on top of Neds head. Finally Nedd jumped but, just as he did so, he pulled a string on his backpack and a small pair of wings came out of the side of his backpack, enabling him to glide to the ground.  
  
"Ah still dinnae know how he does that," said Neddy as he jumped onto the pavement and watched Nedd glide to a stop, his wings folded up and he turned around to face them, grinning. A rock pigeon hit him square in the face causing him to fall over backwards and groan quietly.  
  
"Smug bastard," Neddy said.  
  
The Neds were now on Princes Street.  
  
"It must be aboot three thirty now," said Nedd  
  
"That means those posho bastards'll be getting' their buses soon," Neddy replied  
  
"Aye, have we all got oor laser blasters?" Ned asked.  
  
"Ned, they're commonly called penknives."  
  
"Right'o Neddy," Ned said  
  
"Idjit that ya are. Aw Jeez! I just had the greatest idea!" Neddy shouted.  
  
"Whats that?"  
  
"Mah penfriend in America, Eddy said that he makes piles o' money by scammin' people," Neddy said.  
  
"Aye, mah penfriend Edd said he knows a guy ca'ed Eddy who scams kids. Says they screw up a' the time though," Nedd added.  
  
"My friend's ca'ed Ed, he likes Zorba the two headed mutant too. And Lenore," Ned said. A moment of silence followed as Neddy and Nedd tried to figure out if Ned meant the detergent. He couldn't mean the detergent could he.  
  
Nedd was the first to ask the question. "Neeeeed? Um. do ye mean.ya know, the detergent."  
  
"Nope. Theres, like, a series of comics"  
  
"Phew, I was worried ye had a detergent fetish or summat," Neddy said. The Neds didn't know much about trigonometry but by god did they know a lot about sex (No practical experience of course, just Discovery channel specials), all apart from Nedd and Ned. Well okay, Neddy knew a lot about it and Nedd knew trigonometry quite well. OKAY, FINE!!! That analogy isn't very accurate. Gimme a break.  
  
"We could, like, sell home made."  
  
"Buttered toast!?" Ned said hopefully.  
  
"Aye! We could start a restaurant"  
  
"Get real!! Nae fuckin' chance by the way Neddy," Nedd screamed. "The only way we could dae that is if we moved out o' Niddrie, stopped being Neds and moved schools. Guys at Boroughmuir wouldnae know good food if it hit them in the face and stuffed itself down their throats!!"  
  
"."  
  
"."  
  
Next chapter: The Neds are on the move. 


	4. Neddy woman

Ned, Nedd and Neddy  
  
"A'right Ned, ye got the papers?" Neddy asked  
  
"Aye Neddy, ah've got 'em. Like 6 apples in a pod." Ned replied.  
  
"Riiiight. Um, Nedd, ye got that grass ready?" Neddy asked.  
  
"Neddy, ye canna rush this. I mean we're pretty much copyin' Ed, Edd and Eddys scam for tacos, ain't we?" Nedd observed.  
  
"Aye, but the kids dinnae know that. Plus, in Niddrie, cigarettes are the only thing that really sells."  
  
"Aye Neddy, ye've got, like, a point there," Nedd admitted  
  
"Thuree fer the home team by the way!"  
  
Nedd and Neddy looked at each other. "Shut up Ned!"  
  
Ah, there's echoes in them thar hills. Echoes of "Honour thy Ed", no? Yes, of course, the taco scam, but with a devious twist. Take: 1 matchbox; 10 bits of newspaper and a bit of grass in the middle (soaked in Bucky to give it that certain Je Ne Se Quois). Roll up said bits of paper, put in box and sell for 2 quid a packet. Simple. The Neds first scam, and not their last.  
A girl in a tiny miniskirt was walking along, humming a tuneless little song. Her movement was irregular, as groups of boys wolf-whistled and she ran after them to give them a quick knee in the balls, but there was one she didn't notice, a strange, red headed boy with a bent cap and Kappa trainers and trousers tucked into his socks. He slowly sidled up closer to the girl and then pinched her butt and moved around in front of her. "So Skazz, like, do you wanna go tae Mcdonalds, hae a bite tae eat and catch a movie, then, you know."  
  
She sighed and shook her blond head, then said; "Kevin, I said no unless you got 50 quid. Ye know ma faither wouldnae be happy if I came home without mah earnings."  
  
"But Skazz, I'm really horny and a'. I just got mah first underarm hair, like, and I, well, I wanna be with you." Skazz punched him. He fell over, his nose bleeding.  
  
"Kevin, ye know I'm in trouble with mah faither!" she screamed, beginning to sob. "I like ye, but mah dad would kill me if I went on a date without a boy paying an outrage - o'er the top fee. Ah'm sorry like." She sighed and walked off, seemingly regaining her cheerful composure as a car drove up beside her and a head leaned out to talk. She nodded a few times then got in the car. Kevin watched all this in horror as he heard moaning as the car went by. He shook his head and walked off, worried.  
  
"So Ned hows sales in your sector?" Nedd asked.  
  
"Happy, like." The big Ned beamed.  
  
".I'll take that as pretty good, by the way. Neddy?" Nedd asked, turning to Neddy.  
  
"Fuckin amazin'. Rashid bought like, six packs to feed tae his chickens, cos' he's a, total fuckin' weirdo foreigner and Chantelle bought the other four." NB: These aren't my views, they're merely appropriate for the story and will slowly be changed as it progresses  
  
"Neddy, I'll get in shit if mum finds oot Chantelle smokes, she'll tell dad and he'll say "Get fucked woman, where's ma tea?" Ned said.  
  
"HEY! NEDS! YA FUCKIN' FREAKS! GET OOT HERE! THESE CIGS ARE BULLSHIT!"  
  
"Uh-oh. Chantelle ain't fuckin' happy man," Nedd said nervously." I advise, um, like, running, her air gun hurts"  
  
"Good idea. BYEE" 


	5. Ned and out in Paris and London

Ne, Nedd and Neddy  
  
The scene: a large, scaffy housing estate. Three boys creep around the base of an apartment block. One, the smallest, wanders around with his hands in his pockets. As he walks he shifts his shoulders up and down, up and down, jiggling them like a supermodel uses her hips. He has three hairs, all of which are gelled to hang over the front of his head. The second, slightly larger one is Nedd. He has a big, black, Kappa hat on and a small Adidas backpack. As he walks, he stops occasionally to pick up litter. Not letting Neddy see, of course. That would spell doom. DOOM I TELLS YA!!! Ahem. Yes, anywho. The last one walked like a flag. As though one end was anchored to the ground and the other could just hang loose. Neddy peeked around the corner, only to see Chantelle, wielding her fathers Air Rifle, following their tracks round the opposite side of the building.  
  
"Nedd, man. Have ye finished yer disguises fer us yet?" Neddy inquired*Mmmmm, inquiry*  
  
He looked up from his portable sewing machine, "Neddy, ye canna rush these things."  
  
"WHEN CHAPTERS REPEAT!!! When Nedd doubles his lines!!! Only the strongest can hope to survive. Tune in next week for." Ned said. Read this with the voice of that guy who advertises all the action movies and horror movies.  
  
"NED!!! YOU'RE GONNA DIE MAN!!!I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA FUCKIN' KILL YE WHEN I FIND YE!!!"  
  
"Shall we, um run again like?"  
  
"DONE!!!"  
  
"A'right Ned!" Neddy shouted you. "WHAT THE HELL?!THA'S NO A DISGUISE, THA'S A POSHO UNIFORM. NEDD, YOURE SUCH A DEAD MAN!!!"  
  
"Nononono Neddy, like ah thought we could, like infiltrate one of the schools and see how the poshos live. Never know, they might be quite nice." Neddy didn't look convinced. "Aaaaaaand.it'll get us away from Chantelle.  
  
"Why'd ye no say so? Lets do it."  
"Poor Skazz, I wish ah could dae summat fer her. I mean she's really hot an' a' but with her.well, um, like, business" He said, finally grasping the word, "Just really gets in the way. And plus, it's kinda, like, fucked up that she has tae dae it anyway."  
  
"Aye Kevin, tha's true, but you know what? I dinnae gee a shit!!!"  
  
".Fuckin goth that ya're Plank"  
  
"Johnny? Shu' up."  
  
"You guys dinnae understand! She's better than a' that. Ye do know she only puts on that accent so naeone slags her aff righ'? She's frae' Morningside, her real names Nazz and she works as a prostitute!! All 'cos her dad likes his booze tae much. Ah mean, the like, idea is totally minging, selling yer body fer sex. I really feel sorry for her." Kevin turned and walked away, shaking his head. Once out of sight of Johnny and Rashid he leant against the wall and dissolved into tears, his shoulders shaking. He sank to the ground, leaning his arms against the wall. Suddenly a big white car pulled up. Skazz tumbled out, with her skirt pulled up, showing her knickers. She glared up at her latest client and said:  
  
"Fuck off you tight bastard. With the stuff you got me to do, you shouldn't be allowed on the streets" bruises littered her body, mainly around her breasts and face and there were rope burn marks round her neck. "You're never going to work with me again!"  
  
"Aye well, noone said it had to be with your consent. Watch yer back hun." The man drove off, skidding round the corner. Nazz shook with rage and tears. She burst. She sank to the ground, crying to god that the mans curse was hollow. Kevin had heard the whole conversation, and could feel tears of sympathy welling up inside him. Nazz wasn't the average schemey girl, all squat and dumpy, she was.Special. When she walked normally, outside of Niddrie when not wearing her hooker outfit she projected an air of purity and grace, even though she had first been raped by her father and mother at five. She could put a spectacular brave face on things. Kevin really respected her, and he wanted to comfort and impress her with his compassion. He no longer wore his Kappa trainers, but now combat boots. No more Adidas three stripe trousers, now baggy Levis. He had watched the poshos for months and now talked proper English when anyone else wasn't nearby. He was trying to change, and that was important. Yesterday had been the last time he would act like that around her. He walked over to her, for the moment discarding his excitement over his new clothes.  
  
"Hey Nazz, you alright."  
  
Nazz looked up surprised and scared, then she slipped into her schemey accent. "Aye, I'm a'right Kev."  
  
"Nazz, you don't have to do that anymair. Fuck. More, sorry. I'm trying to change, to be like you, all like smart and, normal. I've stopped smoking and a'! Now, don't lie to me." He said.  
  
"I'm so sorry Kevin. My life is shite. Most people only see me as a sex object; noone actually cares about me. My family rejects me, my friends have rejected me after one of my clients came to school and tried to coerce 3 of my friends to."  
  
"I'm really sorry," said Kevin as she broke into tears once more. He slipped a hand around her shoulder and hugged her close. I'll get you out, don't worry, I'll get you out." 


End file.
